The Declaration’s Guide to University-Wide Elections
A good voter is an informed voter. Drown out the cacophony of useless opinions swirling around you, and investigate our hard-hitting guide to the biggest issues of the Spring 2015 elections. You’re welcome.
Avoid candidates who look like they only eat oatmeal.
Only vote for those with their hair parted to the left.
If you get off to come back stories, vote for the honor candidate who cheated in high school and was delayed admission for a year.
Student leadership positions might not impact you directly, but they will hugely, and incredibly disproportionately, impact the winner’s resume. Be merciful, and vote for someone who looks like they need the boost.
Pedophiles lure children with candy. Student council candidates lure voters with candy. But two banana Laffy Taffy in one bowl? That’s two banana Laffy Taffys too many. Never vote for a cheapskate candidate.
Be wary of the candidate seeking Climate Action Society’s endorsement by advertising the fact that she now recycles… as of three hours ago.
Above all, don’t vote for the Asian candidate who hands out fortune cookies. Does he actually think anyone who receives a shitty fortune will cast a vote for him? Our cookie said “you will experience small success, especially in romance.” Fuck you, dude.