Lawnie List 2015

These pillars of the University of Virginia community have toiled. Whether they toiled to earn their righteous place amongst elites or to earn the silver spoon they were born with, they made it. And by God, we like them. We really, really like them. But what’s beneath their flawless smiles and even more flawless resumes? Word on the street is that they have secrets. Deep, dark, gross secrets. The Dec did some research.

Isabel Argoti – The woman, the myth, the legend. Her third grade music teacher praised her immense musical talents, so Elizabeth simply never stopped playing the recorder. Soft, supple melodies can be found drifting out of her room on sunny afternoons. Her “Hot Cross Buns” make all the boys come to the lawn.

Russell Bogue – To stay humble, Russell indulges in the production and design of avant-garde fashion. Under the guise of L2K, he secretly makes a yearly retreat to Milan to publish his “Rogue Vogue by Bogue.”

Evan Bruskin – Like kudzu in the garden, Evan will remain harmless until he takes over. Every night, he carves another detail of his plan for world domination into the floorboard under his bed. The robot war tribunal will be benevolent, but Evan’s ruthless dictatorship will not be so kind.

Collin Campbell – Did you know that Collin is an IMP? So does everyone else.

Rachel Carle – Years of secret trips to train with martial arts masters led Rachel to perfect the art of championing justice and peace. But watch out. She will peacefully karate chop you and judo the fuck out of your yarmulke.

Lia Cattaneo – Rumour has it that she once peer pressured a baby bird to drink from an oil spill at the beach. During the winter months, she spends her spare time stealing ice caps from polar bear babies and gliding across them for sport. What a barbarian.

Alexis Chaet – Never once found guilty of an honor violation, Alexis has been reported to the Honor Committee over fifteen times. Her flimsy defense claims that the same cartel of over-zealous dyslexic students always reports her. Only time will tell if she is telling the truth or chaet–ing on her med school exams.

Burke Deutsch – Burke really isn’t sure about this whole Greece thing. Who could blame him? He just says what everyone is thinking: the Greeks should work harder. He is currently boycotting Zoe’s Kitchen.

Vanessa Ehrenpreis – Spotted ruthlessly campaigning for Carly Fiorina during Trick or Treating on the Lawn. Instead of candy, she gave out recalled HP printers and rubber elephants.

Elyse Eilerman – Known for her endlessly hip marijuana leaf printed scarves and marijuana leaf earrings, Elyse is the definition of Social Entrepreneurship at UVA. She has developed a thriving enterprise by sharing her “medicine” with high school students in Pav Garden VIII and then charging an extra fee for driving them to Bojangles for mac and cheese that’s like, really good, man.

William Evans – Named for the reason for his conception, Evan Williams Whiskey. Even though he was technically an accident, he feels a true calling to the hipster lifestyle and is proud of the fact that his best friend is actually his guitar.

Grace Finley – Goes to the “Stud,” but couldn’t get one while she was in Valencia. She brought back Valencia oranges to fight the American Scurvy Society, which she mistakenly thought was a form of atheism.

Gillian Gardiner – Voting for Trump because he promises job security for her family’s Gardiner business. She is really just pissed that Mexicans are stealing jobs from her family and Marco Rubio is not even an option as GOP nominee.

Alexander Gregorio – This heartbreaker is president of Board Games Club, but frankly, we’re bored of his games. Will you please return our texts?

Mary Greiner – She thought about double majoring in WGS and Religious Studies, but has never heard of Grinder or Jesus’ mother.

Caitlin Hall – Frustrated with post-Labor Day fashion tyranny, Caitilin serves as inaugural president of the newly formed CIO “Wahoos Will Wear White.” Membership: 1.

Mark Hannan – Constantly and deservedly overshadowed by Mark Heneine. Sucks.

Peter Hartwig – Following his father’s footsteps, Peter became a UVa theologian. After spending a few semesters stripping for Jesus under the guise of the so-called Academical Village People, Peter turned to devil worship. Rumor has it he sacrificed a goat to Satan for his room on the lawn.

Catherine Hedrick – After a double gin and tonic or five, Catherine has been known to launch into passionate rants. Word has it that she’s banned from Biltmore because the bartenders are sick of hearing about the way America used to be.

Mark Heneine – Ever since he “won” the University Guide Service’s “presidency,” Mark has been on a total bender. Seriously, we haven’t seen him since 2013. Assured he would secure a lawn room no matter what, Mark “studied abroad” for a “semester,” but rumour has it he spent it building a clubhouse under Dean Grove’s desk.

Matthew Hrin – Christmas is more than a month away, but Matt is prepared. He’s put the same three things on his Christmas list as every other year: a last name that’s easier to pronounce, more steroids, and a shit ton of Rogaine.

Yimeng Huang – Yimeng knew she would never get a lawn room without a preppy, bitchy name. After hours meticulously studying Gossip Girl, she created venn diagrams, pros and cons lists, and many an excel spreadsheet. Finally, she chose Blaire. Touché.

Eashan Kaw – After a lifelong battle with a crippling aversion to mediocrity, Eashan was ironically tricked into joining Mock Trial. He was last spotted spearheading Mock Trial’s new publicity campaign: “We Are Neither Lame UJC Nor MUN’s Weird, Inbred Cousin.”

Brendan Kim – Sinly temptation threatened to distract Brendan from his path to greatness. To combat worldly evils, he took a stroll to Acme for two tattoos of Jesus — under his eyelids. Eyes on the prize.

Katherine King – In an effort to convince her younger clones (oops, sisters) to attend U.Va, she started “Katherine’s King Klub.” That wasn’t actually a problem. The university was officially spooked when it realized that she lives in room 6 and has three more sisters to recruit. Currently on probation.

James Kirven – After two decades playing baseball without understanding the complex rules,James came to the University looking for simplicity. He is best known for inventing the “Kirven Ball:” throw a baseball at the nearest ugly person. You get 10 extra points if they collapse on impact. Nice.

Marnie Kremer – As a flaming vegan, Marnie was once found in her room sitting on a pile of hard boiled eggs in an attempt to incubate them back to life. She was heard crying out, “Come back to me, my children!”

Joseph Kyle – Truly the embodiment of UVA’s overachiever culture, Joseph has completed the “116 Things to Do Before You Graduate” list. Twice.

Trevor James Lane – Legally changed his name to “TJ” so he could masturbate to his U.Va. ID.

Angela Liu – Subdued the Orientation Leader almost-rebellion of 2015. After paying off the Board of Visitors and “intimidating” three new OLs, Angela secured the market in khaki shorts in Charlottesville for generations to come.

Patrick Lorenz – After spending a “really touching” three weeks in Thailand, Patrick is proud to announce his new title verified by the Dean’s office: Resident Masseuse and Darden Fluffer. Stop by his room for some vacation slideshows and happy endings.

Anne Lukow – It’s Anne-Marina, bitch. Two “n”s, one “e”, pronounce the capitals, spell out the dash, twirl twice on the second “a”, and do six kegels for every syllable.

Faith Lyons – Faith has a documented Socialist obsession. The first person on the Lawn waitlist is currently blackmailing her with pictures of her using a hammer and sickle to delicately shape Bernie Sander’s hair. Whisper sweet, sweet Marxist nothings into her ear to really get her going. Her favorite? “I’ll have the state consolidate all your livestock, you nasty commie.”

Usnish Majumdar – Founder of a nonprofit that collects bed’s for politicians’ dogs. Hopes to one day expand into bedding for dentists’ birds and religious leaders’ lovers. Hit a roadblock after a vicious instagram fight with Bo Obama.

Natalie May – Uses Picstitch so obsessively that she has been found on multiple occasions huddled in her fireplace, sewing chipmunk carcasses together into beautifully geometric roadkill collages.

Emily McDuff – A true francophile, Emily took a page out of imperial France’s handbook and tried to win the Minority Rights Coalition presidency. Guess it just wasn’t her manifest destiny.

Conor Mettenburg – Splits his time evenly between ROTC and his work as an Amish DJ named The Beat Farmer. Attend his next gig working Sweater Vests As Tank Tops Day to hear some dirty drops and his famous catchphrase: “Get ready to turnip!”

Kelsey Miller – Earned the nickname Miller Lite after accidentally smelling beer and getting, in her words, “tipsy AF.”

Porter Nenon – Porter has a little-known sexual attraction to cookie dough. He’s been known to go through his neighbors’ cookie dough ice cream pints, scoop out the cookie dough bits, and smooth the rest over like nothing happened.

Wade Oakley – Recently elected the CIO of the KKK. No, not that one. The Katherine King’s Klub, remember? One of the clones found out and, outraged that she was snubbed, accused him of sleeping his way to the top. Currently on probation.

Liamarie Quinde – Liamarie always looks confused, but we can’t blame her. We would be too if our last name sounded like a gluten-free grain distributed exclusively at Roots.

Avery Rasmussen – Almost as boring and white as the paper company that shares her name.

Marisa Reddy – The original pantsuit fanatic, Marisa is the origin of the “Reddy For Hillary.” She slid up in Hillary’s DMs years ago and is still reaping the benefits.

Henry Reynolds – When he found out he received a lawn room, Henry immediately purchased a white BMW and 5 gallons of Armani Exchange cologne. Why pretend anymore?

Alexander Russell – Alex has already made headlines in the Official Man Bun Watch 2015. Word on the street is that Locks of Love is very interested.

Parisa Sadeghi – Thanks to her knowing
smile and ethnically ambiguous beauty, Parisa was voted “Most Likely to be in a Tampon Commercial” in high school. Prepare the blue liquid.

Kyle Shoebotham – Kyle has a fetish for licking the bottom of strangers’ shoes. “Shoebotham” isn’t even his given name — it’s just a nickname he got after his sexual deviancy at track meets.

Emily Snow – Emily is the mastermind behind the U.Va Goose Guy phenomenon. After coercing the poor boy into a 5-year, binding contract, she made millions from her commission and ESPN endorsements. Evil, but brilliant.

Robert Spears – Robert Spears, AKA bastard child of Jamie-Lynn Spears, AKA the reason she left Zoey 101. Fuck this guy.

Owen Sperling – Despite being a former Abercrombie & Fitch model, Owen actually prefers his paper… wide-ruled.

Jack Vallar – Ah, yes. The victim of the most boring coup d’état ever. After defeating two-time president Andrew Kwon for the third year presidency, he was usurped by the original dictator. Kwon is back as fearless leader, but look who has the lawn room now, bitch.

Israel Vaughn – People who pay attention know that the university secretly funds his entire tuition, and rumor has it that his room was initially promised to Palestine Vaughan.

Daria Winsky – After four years, Daria still hasn’t realized that no one wants to be on Student Council except first years who simply don’t know any better. After an aggressive campaign strategy of equal parts bribery and incessant winking, she managed to scrape together a studly co.

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