Those Damn Emails

In a rare maneuver for a U.S. government agency, the F.B.I. has confirmed that it will, in fact, be doing the same job twice. The agency announced that it would reopen the Clinton email case on October 28, leaving many concerned citizens wondering about the decision, arguably the most unwanted sequel to an investigative case since Richard Franklin released Psycho II.  Luckily, one F.B.I agent was able to shine some light on why James Comey, Director of the F.B.I., decided to reopen the Clinton case:

“To be honest, we just don’t have much to do,” veteran agent Anthony Wallace said.

Wallace was not the only agent expressing concern for idle hands in the agency. Many agents have come out to voice their concern about the vacuum that was left in the F.B.I once the email case was closed.

“It was pretty cool, ya know? I would come in ten minutes late every day and then I would sit down and read her emails. They were mostly invitations to barbecues and forwarded cat videos by people in her campaign staff. It was just a really nice way to spend the day. Now that the emails are closed, I don’t know what to do anymore,”agent Frank Codey said.

The whole F.B.I staff has experienced a lack in motivation after the email case resolved. Most agents reluctantly going back to work, citing the mounds of paperwork awaiting their return as the reason for their unenthusiastic dive back into bureaucracy.

“You can only catch a serial killer so many times until it starts to get repetitive,” agent Samantha Comell said.

But nobody on the F.B.I staff took the resolution of the Clinton email scandal harder than the Director himself.

“It really brought Comey down. You used to be able to walk by his door and hear him laughing from reading the office jokes that got forwarded around the Clinton campaign. Now you can’t hear anything,” Agent Wallace said.

The cleaning staff also chimed in and voiced their opinion on Comey’s attitude after the email investigation.

“You can’t even imagine how many balled up pieces of paper we have cleaned from around his trash can. It’s been, like, three dictionaries worth,” custodian Jason Barn said.

However, not all agents at the F.B.I are rejoicing at Comey’s decision to reopen the Clinton case.

“I had fun reading the original 33 thousand emails, but this is 650 thousand. I don’t have the stamina for that,”agent Samantha Wines said. “Someone give me an easier way to read chain emails about ghosts who are really concerned with your number of forwards.”


Colin Shaw is a third year who destroyed his server with a stainless steel dildo to hide his kinky porn history.