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New “bar”/sex club announced to open on UVA Corner

Jefferson’s Dark Secret will be going into the space that St. Marteen’s once held. The owner, Chad Cox III, is getting the club ready for its Valentine’s Day grand opening.

Chad managed to find a modest job at Goldman Sachs ever since he  graduated from the UVA McIntire School of Commerce. Although he was living every “comm” student’s wet dream, he just wasn’t happy. But, while back at UVA for the Young Alumni Reunion weekend this past fall, Cox returned to his favorite corner bar: Trinity Irish Pub.

“There I was on the Trin dance floor, grinding with a first year, and that’s when it hit me,” Cox explained. “I looked around and noticed just how many people around me were trying their best to subtly finger someone, or give a hand job, or literally fuck. I saw it as the perfect money making opportunity”

This was the moment when inspiration hit. Cox realized that these horny undergraduates just simply could not wait to get home. They were so accustomed to getting everything they wanted immediately, that they were willing to become exhibitionists on the Trinity dance floor.  

Cox new there was an untapped market here, and he set out to fill it.

“My main goal is for the club to be more depraved than Trin,” Cox said with some concern. “It’s going to be difficult, but I have hired some of the best consultants from around the country to come in and help get the club ready.”

The interior of the club is going to be completely padded. No, there is not a dance floor per se, but if people need to dance to loosen up, that’s totally welcome. The bar is being moved from its original location within St. Marteen’s. It will now be located in the back right corner, as to create more space for sexual activity.

“That is one of the biggest limitations of having a truly satisfying sexual experience at Trin,” Cox clarified. “Holding on to your drink only leaves you with one hand to get freaky with.”

The bar will have all the classic shots like “the blow job” or “buttery nipples”, but Cox has also created some signature shots. The rim job encompasses chocolate vodka, kahlua, baileys, and is rimmed with cocoa powder. The signature favorite, fire crotch, is fireball and Bacardi 151, served on fire.

Feedback from the UVA community has been overwhelmingly positive and accepting of the new bar.

“I have heard the rumors, and I am very excited,” Richard Hardon said.  “After two and a half years of the same bars every weekend, I think this sex club will be a nice change.”

Other students echoed Hardon’s sentiments.

“I’m ready to break up the monotony and get nasty,” second-year Sarah Sexton elaborated, “Trin has been feeling a little too tame lately.”

The bar will also be offering sex toys and accessories to help ensure everyone is getting exactly what they want. For beginners or more vanilla customers there’ll be the basics (y’know, like the deals you can find in the back of Spencer’s.)  For more experienced or adventurous patrons, there will be flogs, whips, harnesses, and a full leather body suit which covers the face, but has zippers in the crotch, mouth, butt, and ears.       

“I want to make sure that everyone feels welcome,” Cox said. “I just hope that Jefferson’s Dark Secret can become a place for the UVA community and the Charlottesville community to cum together.”

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Zoe Serratelli is a third-year who owns stock in Trojan.