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Mallofolds

The think it happened like that, but it didn’t. That’s not how it happened at all. “Carnivores” like the

Tyrannosaurus Rex would never have dreamed of murdering a fellow dinosaur for food. The violence!

Nor would “herbivores” waste their time chewing leaves all day—not when there were sweet Mallofolds

all around. See, Mallofolds were big creatures that lived on earth in prehistory, related to the modern-

day jellyfish. Mallofolds were about as big as cars, and were shaped like potatoes, and were light blue in

color. They floated above the ground in herds of about 50 and filter-fed straight from the air. Mallofolds

were the only food source of all dinosaurs. The dinosaurs would gratefully eat from their boneless flesh

until they were too full to move. This worked out perfectly, since Mallofolds did not feel pain, and

reproduced so easily that their population was never in danger.

The reason herbivores and carnivores have different shaped teeth is irrelevant. The sharper

types of teeth are perfect for taking a bite right out of the side of a Mallofold, whereas the flat type of

teeth are perfect for chewing the soft, spongy flesh of the Mallofold, which we have reason to believe

tasted sweet, with an undertone of caramel. The reason we don’t talk about Mallofolds is because their

bodies were so soft that no fossils of them remain. That’s why paleontologists mistakenly assumed that

some dinosaurs would eat other dinosaurs, when really, that’s not what happened at all.

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Drew Kiser is a fourth-year who dreams of a perfect world, in the past.