HowTo

How To: Fuck Up Someone’s Entire Four-Year College Experience On the First Day of Class

Step 1: Go into Newcomb when they’re serving spaghetti.

This isn’t worth doing with any other food. It’s gotta be spaghetti. Keep reading.

Step 2: Choose your target.

We recommend you choose a fellow first-year, particularly a girl. If she’s wearing some preppy bullshit with a whale on it, you’ve definitely found the right one.

Step 3: Wait for her to put her stuff down at a table. Make sure she leaves.

This whole deal is dependent on stealth. You gotta be a sneaky Pete. No one can see you. At least, not yet.

Step 4: Grab her backpack and empty out her shit.

Self-explanatory. When her backpack is cleared, just throw out her notebooks. Again, if she’s a first-year, then she hasn’t even gone to her first college class yet, so those notebooks are empty and wordless. Don’t feel bad.

Step 5: Fill her backpack with copious amounts of spaghetti.

Bonus points if you also get marinara sauce and parmesan cheese in there. Be sure to also zip her backpack back up. The spaghetti needs to be contained to her backpack so there’s nothing to tip her off that something’s up.

Step 6: Leave the area and follow her to class.

You gotta watch this shit unfold, so nonchalantly trail her as she heads to her first college class. If it’s some big lecture hall, you really scored big.

Step 7: Sit next to her and wait for her to open her backpack. When she does, cause a scene.

Make sure everyone, including the professor, knows that this bitch is tripping all over her own spaghetti. No one is gonna think someone planted that shit in her bag. For real, people are gonna be like, “What the fuck is wrong with this chick? Did she really just bring a lot of spaghetti to class??” If everything went right, she should be crying and covered in pasta sauce, probably walking out of the lecture hall. You did it. You gave an innocent girl a reputation as “spaghetti girl” before her professor even opened his mouth.

HOW TO: TRANSFER SCHOOLS

Yeah…so…that happened. And you’ve been crying since it happened. Not even your parents can rationalize what you just sobbed to them over the phone. So now you gotta transfer. Let’s begin:

Step 1: Find all of the essays you wrote when you were applying to colleges as a high school senior.

They might come in handy. Reduce, reuse, recycle, amirite?

Step 2: Make a new account on the Common App

You probably forgot your username and password, so just make a new account.

Step 3: Retrieve your SAT scores from the College Board

Or your ACT scores, whatever.

Step 4: Look up application deadlines.

There’s no early action or early decision bullshit for transferring, so it should be one easy date to remember, probably in December.

Step 5: Complete those applications

It sucks but it’ll help pass the time when you’re too afraid to leave your dorm now that everyone started calling you “Spaghetti Girl” and “Donna Parmesan.”

Step 6: Get accepted.

Somewhere. Anywhere. You just gotta leave, stat.

Step 7: Attend your new school and hope to God someone doesn’t pull this kind of shit on you again.

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Derek Richardson is a third-year who is the real Deus Ex Machina.