St. Patrick’s Day Survival Guide: Do’s and Don’ts
PLANET EARTH – St. Patrick’s Day is quickly approaching this week, and like every year, students are expected to flaunt their one-sixteenth Irish heritage with sudden pride by drinking Guinness and many other alcoholic beverages to the point of pant-pissing, bitch-slapping, drunk-tank-residing debauchery. In order to avoid the seemingly inevitable 1am drunk text to your ex or Mom, and painfully sloppy, egregious sex with that first year girl who probably isn’t even eighteen yet, here is a list of do’s and don’ts that will surely guide you to enjoying a holiday that reinforces every negative stereotype of Irish culture:
- Pre-game with 4Lokos and post-game with Everclear. The 4Loko will hurdle you over the deplorable “buzzed” state and land in you in at least a 5 out of 10 level of drunkenness with one single drink. Post-gaming with Everclear will aid in helping you forget the fact that you spent $180 on shots at Trin while getting your North Face stolen in the process.
- Wear green overalls and sharpie a red beard over your face. The ridiculous appearance will legitimize your outward display of drunken douchebaggery and maybe some guy or girl will approach you with a super interesting conversation about cosplay.
- Eat nothing but corned beef and cabbage for at least 24 hours prior to drinking. The luck of the Irish will be with you if you truly dedicate yourself to their cuisine and culture, and by “luck” I mean you will only vomit your stomach’s contents twice instead of three times after a night of drinking.
- Carry a backpack full of potatoes wherever you go. Potatoes are great for many reasons: you can use them as a weapon by throwing them at bartenders who refuse to serve you more Fireball; you can eat them between bar hopping as a means of sobering up; you can write a note on the potato in pen and hand it to a cute guy or girl sitting on the other side of the bar; and/or you can try to squeeze the vodka straight out of the potato when your blackout mind thinks that’s how things work.
- Beat up every motherfucker who is not wearing green. Didn’t we all learn in elementary school that if you don’t wear green then you’ll get pinched? Well, now we’re in college, so the penalty has been upped from pinching to punching. Sucker punch anyone who does not comply.
- Do you homework. Please, that’s the last thing that should be on your mind for a holiday that suddenly makes it socially acceptable to stagger about the Corner in an inebriated state for 24 hours.
- Drink water in-between alcoholic beverages. Do you think the Irish had clean drinking water back in the day? No! For all intents and purposes, the Charlottesville water is not potable on St. Patrick’s Day.
- Try to spout some bullshit about the history of St. Patrick and whatever the fuck he did for Ireland and the world. Nobody cares and it won’t get you laid.
- Spam Instagram and Snapchat with bar and party pics. We’re all doing the same thing and the Irish drinking puns in your captions suck.
- Follow the advice of this article, even though this is what half of the student body will (in)advertently be doing.
Derek Richardson is a third-year who will be wearing aggressive green during St. Patty’s.