Teenage Sister Being a Complete Bitch Again for No Apparent Reason
THE DINNER TABLE – The Dungan family dinner was unexpectedly interrupted amid a pleasant conversation about their neighbor’s new Cockapoo puppy Wednesday night when 15-year-old Samantha Dungan bashed her eating utensils onto the table and exclaimed “Jesus Christ, Mom, why do you always have to buy margarine? You know I prefer real butter!”
Reports indicate after Sandra Dungan, mother of both Samantha and 11-year-old Mark Dungan, explained she finished the butter while baking a new recipe last night, Samantha’s pubescent rage continued with even more intensity: “Mom, this happens all the time, and it’s sooo annoying! You’re annoying, Mom! And you’re annoying too, Mark, always chewing with your mouth open and smacking your lips!”
The Declaration was able to interview Mark after Samantha stormed upstairs to her bedroom with a furious display of foot stomping. “I hadn’t even started eating yet,” said Mark, with a downcast gaze, “This is starting to happen more and more often too. Like, last night, Samantha got so mad that her teacher took points off her math quiz for not showing work that she broke her TI-84 calculator by throwing it against the tile floor. It was quite overwhelming. No wonder Mom has started drinking again.”
“Yeah, not even I was that much of a bitch when I was fifteen,” remarked Sandra Dungan privately to reporters as she uncorked a wine bottle. “Next week I have to take Samantha dress shopping for Ring Dance, so I need to start bracing myself now for whatever bat-shit crazy stunt she’ll pull if something goes remotely askew.”
Attempts to interview Samantha about her completely uncalled for meltdown were futile, but The Declaration staff was able to hear “Misery Business” by Paramore blaring from behind her locked bedroom door.
Derek Richardson is a third-year who thinks mayonnaise is an instrument.