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First-Year Marijuana Novice is Way Too Fucking High Right Now

WATSON-WEBB – Residents of UVA’s Watson-Webb resident hall are currently circulating rumors that first-year student Travis Newman is high as fuck right now and has completely ascended this plane of existence. Newman, who reportedly took two fat rips out of a homemade gravity bong and smoked about an eighth of pot in the last two hours, proceeded to sit on his bed shirtless and watch segments of Neil Degrasse Tyson’s “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey” on YouTube while fingering an open jar of peanut butter.

“I know he’s just high, but holy shit, look how red his eyes are,” commented hall-mate Ben Willis after passing Newman’s open door. “He hasn’t blinked since…well, I don’t know, it seems like it’s been days.”

Friends of Newman, who wish to remain anonymous, informed The Declaration that Newman smoked pot for the first time over spring break. He has since taken up the reggae Rasta Bob Marley 420 blaze it lyfe without looking back.

“He bought one of those drug rug sweatshirts,” said Caroline McDonald, Newman’s chemistry lab partner, with a slight tone of disgust in her voice. “I don’t really care that he smokes, I just want him to finish his part of the lab report that’s due tomorrow.”

Current speculation suggests Newman will not in fact contribute to the lab report, as incoming tweets indicate he has starting packing another bowl and has just opened the rabbit hole of 9/11 conspiracy theories on Wikipedia.

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Derek Richardson is a third-year who knows plenty about being high.