Mass Earth Exodus Imminent

On February 22, NASA released an article detailing 7 nearby Earth-size planets found orbiting in the habitable zone of the star TRAPPIST-1. The discovery came less than a month after the inauguration of President Trump, while the agency was still operating under the rules and budget of President Obama. That did not stop some Trump supporters from thinking otherwise.

Those in NASA who were involved were quick to shut this line of thought down, however. “Hell no, Trump was not a part of this,” NASA’s administrator under Obama, Charles Bolden, said in a statement. “He doesn’t even believe in climate change. Does he know there are planets besides Earth? Frankly, I don’t think anyone should tell him. I’d hate to hear him make invading Mars one of his talking points from now on or some shit.”

The TRAPPIST-1 system was found back in May 2016, but the new information was released in February so that “those of us who want to get out of here can know that we’re all set. It’s happening,” Bolden said. “The planets are all orbiting an ultra-cool dwarf star too, so you know it’s gonna be fucking lit.”

“It’s time to start picking who gets to come with us,” he continued. “Hell no we’re not taking everyone. They’re pretty small planets, I mean come on. Most of NASA, the EPA, and the National Park Service are getting the fuck out of dodge. We all have our reasons, but personally I don’t want to live on the nuclear fallout-ridden Earth that this administration will undoubtedly leave behind.”

“Our only test for those who want to come with is to see how they react to being called a ‘cuck’ by an internet troll. If they can’t handle it, we won’t take them. If their masculinity is too fragile to brush off a hater, we don’t want them either. If you fit that basic category, you get a free ticket.”

Bolden then discussed the different planets that people would be put on, based on personal choice. “So far,” he said, “there are seven Earth size planets in the system. There will be one planet for cat people, one for those who put the toilet paper on the wrong way, another for moderates who stand up for Trump supporters when they voice their backwards ass opinions but won’t outright support him, the moderate right wing, the Deep State, old white liberals who don’t understand intersectionality, and everyone else.”

When reminded that only three of the planets are actually in the habitable zone of the star, the director just put a finger to his lips and winked before walking away.


Sam Nicol is a third-year who foresees a future he leaves this godforsaken planet and hits on martian babes.