meth

THE CASE FOR METH: UVA should create and sell glass

CHEMISTRY BUILDING – In the University of Virginia’s 198 year history, the chemistry department has yet to report the successful synthesis of N-methyl-1-phenylpropan-2-amine, the drug commonly known as meth.

Unofficial polls by The Declaration indicate that students have supported the widespread production and selling of meth. Current street prices for meth vary, but according to www.crystalmethaddiction.org, a gram of meth typically costs $80. Given the brilliance of our chemistry faculty and undergraduate chemistry majors, there is sufficient reason to believe that the University’s chemistry labs can produce one hundred grams per school year (if not per semester) which would total $8,000.

Historically, meth became commonly used during World War II as a tactic to keep soldiers awake. If UVA had begun meth production immediately following the war in, say, 1950, revenue from sales would have surpassed $500,000 by now (not accounting for fluctuating street prices).

This kind of money could be funneled back into our chemistry department to improve our labs and help produce better meth yields — or, it could be distributed across other departments to provide equal benefits. Maybe some of it could go to our football program, so we could finally be competitive in the ACC. Or maybe funds could be allocated to our basketball team facilities, so they won’t choke in the March Madness tournament next year.

Better yet, we could just give all our athletes the meth to amp them up during games. Better better yet, we could sell the meth to UVA students, so they can power through all-night study sessions and infuse it into their alcohol-laden Trin exploits. At the very least, students would be allocating their time towards something much more worthwhile than ALEKs.

Sources say that members of the Chemistry department have considered the pursuit in the past, which consequently led to the departure of a  faculty member whose name rhymes with Seung.

Ultimately, producing meth is a win-win for the university. The chemistry department most likely already has the supplies to make it, so selling it nationally and internationally could bring in self-supporting funds, and selling it to students could make college life a little less depressing.

In the meantime, students will continue to binge drink on weekends and fuel their studying with non-prescribed Adderall.

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Derek Richardson is a third-year who petitioned Sir Mix-a-Lot to produce a song titled “Baby Got Crack”.