CHARLOTTESVILLE – In a joint press conference held by UVA basketball head coach Tony Bennett and director of recruiting Orlando Vandross, the pair announced that the university’s basketball program will partner up with the UVA Health System to begin genetically engineering test-tube babies who, in eighteen years, will become the team’s starting lineup and bench roster.

“Since becoming a national basketball powerhouse, recruiting across state borders has become more competitive,” stated Vandross in front of reporters.

Some universities have begun offering scholarships to players as young as middle school aged. In the race to sign the youngest, most promising athletes, UVA basketball has decided to partner with doctors and researchers from the UVA Health System to genetically engineer athletes who are over 6’5 with absurdly long wing spans and decreased lactic acid buildup during musculoskeletal exertion.

Bennett then mentioned that these players will also be engineered to have high IQs and enhanced multi-tasking capabilities so they can balance classwork demands with practice time and traveling for games.

The zygotes for these future star athletes will be formed by taking sperm from former UVA basketball players, such as Malcolm Brogdon and London Perrantes, and current NBA stars, such as Russell Westbrook and Steph Curry. Sperm samples from these players can be easily obtained from their respective teams’ athletic trainers, who often sell the samples on the black market to the highest bidder.

The question of egg donors is still up in the air, although the program plans on reaching out to athletes like tennis stars Serena and Venus Williams, WNBA phenoms Candace Parker and Elena Delle Donne, and Twitter celebrity/Internet meme “6’7 bae.”

Staff from The Declaration inquired as to how well these engineered anomalies will be able to recover from hangovers on game day.

We have not yet considered hangover recovery in our design processes, but that’s actually a pretty good idea, replied Bennett, as he began scribbling down notes onto a pocket notepad.

Launching and maintaining this genetic engineering program is likely to require up to $10 billion in university funding; however, the payoff will likely come in eighteen years when the team is expected to indefinitely shit on Duke, UNC, and any March Madness competitor until other schools begin adopting the same engineering tactics.


Derek Richardson is a third-year who keeps making fake Tinder accounts to see if London Perrantes will ever Super Like him back.