image (5)

STUDENT IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER ATTEMPTING TO EAT TWO CONSECUTIVE ROOTS BOWLS

THE CORNER – Popular Corner restaurant Roots closed early Thursday afternoon after an unidentified first-year student attempted to eat two “El Jefe” bowls back-to-back in one sitting. The ill-fated effort caused severe abdominal distension, resulting in an internalized gastric explosion. Two other restaurants patrons were rushed to UVA hospitals to be treated for injuries sustained from the explosion’s collateral damage, but are expected to be okay.

The incident reportedly occurred just after the 12:30pm lunch rush. Seismic vibrations were felt within a one-mile radius of the restaurant, causing temporary power outages at Got Dumplings and Boylan Heights.

“Yeah, this kid’s stomach literally exploded and the earth shook,” recounted Bailey Weems, who was working the cash register at the time of the Richter scale’s 8.2 reading. “I bolted the fuck out of there because no way in hell would I ever clean up that sort of mess.”

The afflicted student is currently undergoing surgeries to get a pig’s stomach implanted into his now-vacant abdominal cavity, which should hopefully be large enough to prevent another splitting rupture of gastric tissue should he ever dare to pull this sort of ignorant stunt again. In the meantime, Roots manager Ryan Lopez is planning on installing a 10-by-12 foot sign warning future customers against such actions. Additionally, as of Monday, September 4, all patrons who order more than one bowl at a time must sign a consent form waiving Roots from legal responsibility for any form of gastrointestinal discomfort.

__________

Derek Richardson is a fourth-year who prefers Chopt. It’s worth the drive.