Scientists to Launch New Studies into how UVA Football Team is Actually Winning
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – Looking to find more evidence explaining this peculiar phenomenon, researchers have launched a set of studies looking into how the University of Virginia Football Team is actually winning. This research was set into motion after the Cavalier’s surprising 28-21 victory over the Duke Blue Devils this past Saturday.
“The science community really has no reasoning for why this is occurring,” says Melvin Juggernaut, the University’s Vice President of Research. He was asked to spearhead research initiatives by University President Teresa Sullivan and Head Football Coach Bronco Mendenhall, both of whom were just as befuddled.
“There are some principles in science we can count on for their certainty,” Melvin continued. “Newton’s Laws of Motion and the Laws of Thermodynamics, for example. Poor performance by the University of Virginia football team used to be considered one such principle, but evidently we’ve looked something over.”
The team has won four games so far this year, a feat typically not achieved until the end of the season. Studies formed in this initiative are working across a variety of disciplines in the University. Both the Physics department and the Kinesiology department at the Curry School are performing an analysis of players’ bodies to gauge increased performance.
Meanwhile, students in the Biology department are researching if dining hall food is, for once, having a beneficial impact on the human body. Even the Batten School is dedicating efforts towards the cause, tracking if recent policy initiatives from the Virginia General Assembly give players more opportunity to succeed.
In a statement, Coach Mendenhall has shown his support for these studies, adding that “once we understand the phenomenon behind our success, perhaps everyone will shut up about how great Tony Bennett is.”
Benjamin Gustafson is a first-year who likes to roll around in grass and then complains about the itch.