An Inside Look at UVa’s Newest Club for Gennulmehn

It’s a busy Tuesday afternoon here in West Range as in strolls a young man from Texas. He wears a bolo tie, a ten-gallon hat, and a pair of boots cut from genuine crocodile scrotum. He walks with a peculiar gait; he is said to be able to cover two barley fields with just one stride. He sits down across from me and anxiously mutters something about “the damn libruls” as he looks around.

Meet Hal Garvey, the now infamous founder of UVa’s newest club: The Dominican Republicans. The club consists of residents of Emmet 1L, in which Garvey takes all members to the benches of disputed ownership behind Metcalf to smoke cigars. Today, Garvey blessed me with the opportunity to sit down with him and learn a little more about one of this school’s fastest growing organizations.

Sam: Thanks for meeting with me, Hal. Let’s get right to it: Why cigars?

Harvey: Well it all started when I’s just a little un. 6 months old, jes cryin’ mahself to death; my dad couldn’t find the pacifier so he jes stuck one a his sihgars in my mouth and I was heppy as a moss-covered junebug.

S: So how did this club first start?

H: As I arrived at this hur school I came to fand that I was surranded by children. There won’t no damn gennulmen among dees kids. I said we ought to have a gennulmans club and what a gennulmans club do we have. What is ‘mo gennulminleh than a sihgar? And so I took a few boys from mah hall, took ’em out back and I made ’em men. The rest is his-to-ray.

S: Why do you think this club has gotten so popular?

H: WAAAilll tew be honest I thank the most of em er ninnies who woenna smoke the biyug bwass lahk theyer diddes. If ah warnt a gennulmin or if ah warnt the spokesman for such a gennulminleh orgunazaytion, ahd tell em they could chew on somethin aylse. Something big and SIHgar shaped if yuh catch mah driyuft. Thur just ain’t room for folk lahk that in mah group. I ownleh wont the real men who can appreciate a good chuff.
But I thank these walkin POlows are fineleh realizin’ that theys mow to lahf than Bodos n’ boatshews. Once they’ve had a taste of Texas they ain’t no goin’ back.

S: I see. So many people tend to shy away from cigars due to health concerns, as scientists have shown that one cigar can have up to 70 times the nicotine of a cigarette. Do you feel at all obligated to keep the members of your club informed about how detrimental cigars can be to your health?

H: Dees so callt “scientologists” are da same ones dat say a monkeh is mah grandpappy and the earf is one big ole oven. I don’t put no stock in it. I jus know we havin’ a fine good time and the Good Lort can’t punish us for that. Amayen.

S: Walk me through a typical meeting of this club.

H: WAAAiill yew see we don’t tend to have raygler maitins. Whenur one a us hayed hawnchos has a bayud day and wants to relax with his hoemmmmmbrays, he calls a SIHgar meeting. We just get togyethuh and huff and puff and talk about the world ysEe? We don’t have no treasuerer or secertary or nothin’ like thayut. We jes woenna unwahnd so that’s what arr maitins aw abayuoayt.

S: Do you have any plans for the future of this club?

H: Oh naw naw naw neyaw as my pawpay awayes sed ya jus gotta take it one puff at a tahhhhhmmmmmmmHHHHMMMMmmmm yummm [coughing sound] EEE EEEE EEEE. Who dose knows mah firayyynd. Texas is a big place.

And with that seemingly unrelated conclusion statement, Hal spots a Hispanic student walking in our direction, checks his watch, and mutters something that could be loosely translated into: “Oh dear, I nearly forgot about my COLA.” He promptly excuses himself and square dances over to the physics building to catch “Are We Alone in the Universe? Sure Signs of Alien Life.”
Sam Nicholson is a first-year who idolizes cabbage patch kids.