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Sleepy Student’s Legs Fall Asleep, is Hospitalized

First-year Don Jensen has been hospitalized due to what health officials are calling an especially severe case of paresthesia (that tingly, prickly feeling you sometimes get in your arms, legs, hands, feet, fingers, toes, ears, thumbs, and/or nose).

Jensen recounts that he was studying in Clemons Library around 4:00 postmeridian on Thursday, Nov. 9, when he decided to take a power nap.

“I had just been working my ass off for, like, two hours straight and my Econ reading was making me want to sell all my father’s stocks,” Jensen said. “I figured a little rest might help me center myself. Boy, was I wrong.”

At exactly 5:15 postmeridian, Jensen recalls being awoken by the alarm he set on his phone.

“I guess my body was just so exhausted from thinking about creating value that when I heard that blasting alarm, my subconscious made me just, like, swipe my phone right o the table.”
Jensen rose immediately to retrieve his blaring mobile device, and, just as immediately, toppled to the floor. What a bitch.

“It was like, I put my foot down and it just wasn’t there. I was all like ‘Oh shit!’ and someone at the table next to me was also like ‘Oh shit!’ And then I hit the ground.”

Nearby studiers flocked instantly to the wailing young man.

“I looked over and there was this boy flopping around on the floor. He kept saying he didn’t have any legs,” Stacks Assistant Kenia Holloway recalled. “I know an emergency when I see one, so I called 911.”

According to fourth-year EMT volunteer Yack Nuller, this was the most pathetic case seen all year.

“This, by far, was worse than when Teresa Sullivan called us to report a hemorrhoid,” Nuller said.

An ambulance arrived within five minutes of Jensen’s waking. He was unable to give an account when he was being loaded onto the stretcher, nor during the short ride to the University Hospital.

After several hours of massage, the extreme numbness had subsided.

“It felt like pins and needles in my legs,” Jensen said.

The hospital issued a statement saying that Jensen’s condition is stable and that he should be able to return to normal activities within the next day or so, but Jensen is not content.
Nonetheless, despite the inconvenience, Jensen is opting to see the bright side.

“Since I have no feeling below my waist, I’m finally getting the bikini wax I always knew I deserved,” Jensen told The Declaration, as we sat across from him in Boom Boom’s waiting area. “I might even go for the Brazilian.”
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Charles Hurt is a first-year who doesn’t get trebuchet memes.