Your Horoscopes – Week of November 28, 2017

Aries (March 21—April 19): Remember to make time for those who are most important to you. Treat your roomba to a nice home cooked meal.

Taurus (April 20—May 20): Something big is coming your way. Hint: It’s a your neighbor, and he’s holding a slinky.

Gemini (May 21—June 21): Don’t stop being yourself. The second you aren’t yourself, you are Alejandro, a 14 yo colombian child who is scared of minecraft.

Cancer (June 22—July 22): The Stars suggest that you shouldn’t let your stress get the best of you. If a friend offers to get lunch, take them up on that offer, then use that opportunity to shake them violently to blow off some steam.    

Leo (July 23—Aug. 22): Keep an open mind, you never know what you might enjoy. Also, keep your eyes open, blinking only gets in the way of things.

Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22): Jupiter is descending, so you gotta go till the field. Nothing about love, friendship or dreams this week, only dirty hands and happy rutabagas.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23): Don’t let yourself get stuck in the past. All of those sticky memories of glue only distract you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21): You need to take it easy this week. Instead of doing all of your works while balancing plates and juggling chainsaws, try just sticking to the saws this week. You won’t regret it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21): You will adopt a low-maintenance pet this week. Hint: it’s the dust bunny living under your bed.

Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19):

You would not believe –

If seeing was believing

And you had no eyes

Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18): You are in grave danger this week, it is your destiny to be scolded by some scalding soup. Protect your taste buds and wear a sock on your tongue.

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20): Get ready , get set, go fuck yourself.