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LOTL CAUSES TEMPORARY CITY-WIDE POWER OUTAGE

CHARLOTTESVILLE – While students and faculty amassed in front of the Rotunda for this year’s Lighting of the Lawn, the spectacular light ceremony consumed the entire city of Charlottesville’s electricity, leaving upwards of 30,000 residents without power. LOTL, which lasted for several hours Thursday night, reportedly consumed enough electricity to power the small nation of Belize for a week.

The overwhelmingly positive reception of LOTL from students has been met with equally strong rage from city dwellers.

“I was trying watch Jersey Shore reruns when my power suddenly cut out,” said Valerie Nix, a resident from Venable.

Downtown restaurant owner Taylor Parker also expressed frustration.

“We had to rely on backup generators to keep food in the kitchen refrigerators and freezers from spoiling,” he said to reporters. “All for a stupid fucking college light show. I lost over $1,000 from customers we had to turn away. You know where they went? Sheetz, goddamnit.”

University administrators have yet to respond to criticism from the community, but the UVA twitter account did share a photo of the Lawn taken by a NASA satellite captioned, “Our illuminated Lawn is visible from outer space! Just as Jefferson wanted!”

Sure enough, the Lawn’s 35 acres appeared as a white dot brighter than Washington D.C. and New York on the globe.

In order to funnel the city’s electricity to the Lawn, maintenance workers hired Thor from the Marvel universe. His appearance on Grounds went largely unnoticed by students as he disguised himself as a granola hipster by tying his hair into a fashionable manbun. Rumors are circulating, however, that he lost his hammer, Mjölnir, somewhere on the Corner after the ceremony, so all search efforts are greatly appreciated.

In the meantime, preparations are already underway for next year’s LOTL. Current speculation suggests the university will assemble a spotlight on the moon that will shine a beam of light down onto the Lawn.

Expect tuition hikes in the coming semesters.

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Derek Richardson is a fourth- year who prefers Vixen over all the other reindeer.