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Signatures: Week of Dec. 4, 2017

Dear Dec,

Recently, I’ve really been struggling with getting the right amount of sleep. I usually get exactly 8 hours of sleep, but since the semester has been winding down, I’ve been unable to reach my stride. For example, last night, I went to bed at midnight, and I woke up at 7:30. I can barely type this letter right now for I am so tired. Even worse, last week, there was a night where I only got 7 hours and 15 minutes of sleep. I don’t know how I can possibly continue living this way. My body is a fine tuned machine, and the slightest disturbance throws everything out of whack.. Should I buy more Nyquil, or should I hire an anesthesiologist to knock me out every night? So far those are the only two solutions that I think could help.

Sincerely,

Quentin

Dear Quitnow,

Of course sleep is hard. If sleep were easy, you best believe that everybody would be sleeping all the time. Even though it is tempting to give up on sleep, don’t you dare; sleeping correctly is very easy. If you want to get 8 hours of sleep every night, all you have to do is change the time on your clock. If you go to bed at midnight, just change your phone’s time to 8 whenever you wake up. It doesn’t matter if it’s still dark outside, if your phone says that you have slept 8 hours, you definitely have. The same thing works for naps. Say you want to take an hour nap, all you have to do is lie down, go to sleep, and whenever you wake up change the time to an hour from when you first went to sleep. It’s seriously as easy as that.

Sincerely,

The Dec

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Dear Dec,

When I was picking up my lunch at Wendy’s the other day, one of the janitors in the building called me a tourist. It seriously hurt. Not only am I from here, but I have never once taken a tour. During the college admission process, I would always find a nice deep closet to go hide in when they began giving the tours. So, given that a core part of my personality is my distaste for tours, how can I express this to the janitor at Wendy’s? I have been so anxious thinking that there is a mop holding man out there who considers me to be a dirty tour taker. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Sara

Dear Sahara Desserts,

Your biggest problem surely is your ego, not your disgust towards tours. Everyone at some point in their life ought to take a tour of something. It doesn’t have to be special; you could take a tour of a cardboard box and that would still satisfy your bodies innate urge to see how things are. It sounds like you are just dreadfully insecure of your lack of tour experience and are projecting this problem onto Marvin (the janitor at Wendy’s whom every Dec editor knows intimately). We suggest that you quit this charade, and call your landlord and ask her to give you a tour of your own house. In that way, you can share your first tour with a trusty landlord as well as get to know your living space even better. Good luck!

Sincerely,

The Dec

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Dear Dec,

    

My roommate just bought a label maker, and neither of us know what to do with it. We haven’t ever really had any conflicts over food and what not, and beyond that, it’s abundantly clear whose item is whose. All of my items are green, and my roomate’s blue. With that being said, I don’t know of any possible use of this extravagant piece of technology that we now have at our disposal. We’d like to print our first label soon. Please, tell us how we should use this wonderful device.

Sincerely,

Hillary

Dear Hilarious,

The Dec would like to first begin our response with an apology. We inadvertently labeled the computer of which we attempted to read your message with a label that reads “spam: don’t read”. Thank goodness we sent a few interns out on label correction patrol last evening, otherwise we would have never read your query. Since neither of you have any issue labeling things that are yours, you should consider going over to your neighbors house and labeling their stuff. The joy of labels isn’t in reading them yourselves, but rather knowing that someone in the world is reading them. Go ahead and slap a “your door” label on your neighbor’s door. The Dec believes that is a very good place to start.

Sincerely,

The Dec

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